Pregnancy loss is a taboo topic that people know exists, but few speak to the real challenges. I can only speak from a woman’s perspective, but there is this ache of having a child that will never spend the holidays with you while the earth remains. There is another part of us that questions our value or if something is wrong with us. Most well-meaning people offer words of encouragement such as, “You will have children in due time. All is not lost.” Others might use a very bad explanation that “God needed your child in His rose garden so He took them.” Uh, excuse me. Last time I checked a child and a rose are two different things! As you see children taking pictures with Santa or dancing a bout in the store in anticipation of the season, your heart can begin to ache a little. You begin to wonder, “What would he or she been like?” You might ponder the age your child would have been and what new things they might be doing that you could talk about with other moms.
Our family knows this experience all too well and even though our faith in God is strong, the question of “Why us Lord” prevails from time to time. Depending on the freshness of the loss, it’s common to feel angry, confused, overwhelmed, or lonely. Even though the holiday season is here and it’s a time where we encourage people to be cheerful and joyful, don’t hide your grief. Instead, feel the tears and give yourself permission to grieve. In our experience, I suppressed my tears because a crying leader who loved God was not acceptable in the Christian community. I received too many “encouraging” scriptures that while well-meaning were out of touch with what I needed at that moment. I needed to release everything whether it was understandable or not to others.
If you are navigating the holiday season and you are presently experiencing the grief or if you are still processing the grief, know that your value isn’t limited to your ability to produce life. Your loss wasn’t because you were a “bad person” or “you did something wrong.” In all honesty, we may never “get” why the loss occurred.
At the same time, some sisters simply do not have any children. This is another group that is overlooked during the holiday season. Some of you deal with messages such as, “When are you going to get married? When will you have kids?” Can we say hold your horses! The pressure to meet everyone’s expectations or to simply enjoy singleness (which we forget is a gift) can be overbearing and can damper your joy. You, too, are incredible. You don’t need to be pressured to live life on other’s terms. The only person we are accountable to is God, and He’s perfectly fine with you just the way you are at this present moment.
To my sisters who can identify with today’s topic, please feel free to reach out to Ashley@ashleysauls.com. How can we support you this holiday season? Also feel free to share how this article inspires you to action to serve another sister or to receive healing in this area as a sister?